After many day's practicing the 12 steps.
It is clear toe now that I have to surrender
Everything, everything, everything to a HP.

One of these things is obsession, not only my
Obsession either alcohol or drugs, but all of my
Other obsession also,y desire figure it out, my need
To be right ,the lust, the fear, the pride, all that
Stuff that it "suggests " in the 12x12 in the 6th and 7
Th steps and then surrender again and again .
Love and Light, Tim

well that word fear certainly hits home my friend... I have been trying to take a closer look at just how much of a part fear has really played in my life ,and just where it comes from... the journey continues

I don't know if I would say it is a fight or a healing. Instead never having gone through it I would think it would be a mix. It would be difficult to get over an addiction and a fight with your previous habit, but it is also something that takes healing and would be very emotional.

The 12 steps were written down originally in the form of instructions, as a formula for solving a problem. Nothing new about this formula in human events. We have been using the same "steps" or principles for solving any problem. When confronted with a problem; we first, step 1, need to understand the problem. Then we need to have an idea of what the solution is; and a rough idea of what it(the solution), will look like, step 2. Then we need to fetch our self up and decide if we want to do the work or take the steps necessary to solve the problem- step 3. If we have made the decision to solve the problem, than we need to take the steps necessary to solve the problem; that being steps 4-12. Only after doing the work, do we get the results.
I used to think, that once I had completed the directions my guide had outlined for me, I would become "mature" or 'emotionally balanced'. Like I would be this David Carradine "grasshopper" type of character; all wise and 'clean' as the driven snow. I was WRONG. It was still about ME thinking.
It was really more like some stuff was just "gone" in me. I couldn't even remember what it felt like before it. I began having "weird" experiences. Or I should say, I saw situations as weird, because of how I felt in them . A whole lot of thinking was gone in my life.FINALLY. I remember going to bed the night I had completed the 5th step. I fell asleep; and didn't wake up until 7 am. I went to bed around 12. It was the first time in my life that I went to bed and looked forward to the next day. I remember thinking "I can't wait to see what is going to happen tomorrow". All my life, as far back as I could remember; the thought; sometimes not as clear as others, was always there; 'thank god today's over", and usually, at least,a slight feeling of dread at the prospect of having to wake up and face the next day. When I woke up the day after finishing 5; I knew nothing was the same about me. I followed the "clear-cut" directions laid out in the text Alcoholics Anonymous. When I was walking away from the 2nd to the last amend on my list, I had said hi to this elderly woman walking down the street, as she passed me. I looked her directly in her eyes, and was overcome all at once by a feeling of excitement and love for her presence. It seemed to come out of me, from some place inside, and grew as she came closer to me on her path. When she looked at me, her face completely transformed from an expression of almost -worry and into, I could swear to god; what I felt for her; and almost at the same time. It took about 3 days, when I realized, that I had been, not only NOT noticing what shoes people were wearing, but I was actually noticing peoples eyes, for the first time, it seemed. Fear of people had left me. I could finally look the world in the eye. I knew, right at that moment, that we were all the same. I hadn't "re" joined the human race; I had become a member of the human race. I lost my fear of what you might think if I......whatever.I had no idea how fear and selfishness had blocked me from the perfect soul that I am and the consciousness that is it's primary symptom. Most of all I hadn't even realized just how much I had no understanding of God. No man understands bondage of the mind and body, until he has become conscious that he is something else.
I had been given, and had taken a template for God consciousness, and a way of life, that by it's very nature, brings me back to it. I am secure and safe in the knowledge that, NO MATTER WHAT; God loves me! I am convinced to a man; that the only problem I have ever really had was ignorance.
I know today that what happened was that God was restored to His proper place; in a way that it shows.
I was a fortunate man. My circumstances were such that I had never gone to a 12 step meeting until I had almost completed amends. I didn't know what I was doing as "step 9". I just knew I was doing my best to clean up the wreckage I had created by my effort to live by self-will and "run the show" so-to-speak. Because of the state of Alcoholics Anonymous at the time I met my spiritual adviser or as AA puts it; 'sponsor', he had the guts to pursue drunks before they got to a meeting. I thank God for that. I have been to many 12 step meetings in a few different fellowships; I whole-heartedly agree with him, and do the same. Had I been to AA and become "sold" on the nonsense going on, instead of meeting him and becoming sold on the ideas he let me in on; which came directly from the book, I would have not been able to find out that "God is either everything or He is nothing; what is your choice to be?". I found that out the very first time I sat down with this man; which was day 2 of knowing him. In the fellowship that has grown up around me since 1986; we don't discuss the steps with anyone that hasn't taken them. This is because we have come to believe 2 things about them. One comes from the mouth of co-founder and author of the text Alcoholics Anonymous, who states in their monthly publication, in 1958; "There is no such thing as a personal interpretation of the 12 steps" The other thing comes by observation of AA meetings and personal experience, and that is, that the only thing IMPORTANT about the steps is TAKING THEM.
Taking the steps doesn't render a man or woman free from character defects. Character defects are human; and not the real problem. The real problem is the denial of them. Awareness of our defects and the willingness to have God take them; is all good and very nice for us. It isn't the real deal,or purpose for them. Taking the steps sets you on a path with God and creates a contagious enthusiasm for bringing the light of His love into all those whom your life touches. It is to set your ass on fire for a need to see others eyes open to the truth about themselves and the nature of their illness. Our defects need to be removed so we can help others, specifically to this truth,by the taking of the steps them selves. It is not so we can be happy. That goal is selling yourself is putting the cart before the horse; and will never manifest, if you qualify for the taking of the steps. The original prayer for our defects in step 7 says "My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. Please remove from me now every single defect of character which stands in the way of my USEFULNESS to You and to my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do YOUR BIDDING. Amen." I think that makes it pretty clear what we need to do with our lives if we want God to help us with our problem. God isn't a one way street. He doesn't play that. He's not out to help you or me so we can be happy and sober, and that's it, us looking out for us all over again. No, that's the crux of our problem, to begin with- selfishness. If we don't intentionally TRY (key word) to brings others to the steps then we can't really say we have taken them, can we? More importantly we will suffer spiritually, and continue to hurt other people because of our selfishness. No, I don't expect you can do a whole lot about your defects of character- YOUR NOT GOD.

Last Update on January 14, 2012 by Henry Robert Kimball