I went out with a friend and his wife; to a club. I went because my friends wife wanted me to meet a friend of hers; that was all wrapped up in a abusive relationship. I will tell you; the whole senerio STUNK. The fact that a woman is my friends wife, apparently will make me do things, I would otherwise not consider, upon a few pleas.
Obviously it was a place where men and women BOTH go to drink, socialize and dance. I spent a great amount of time laughing and talking with my friend and his wife. I really went reluctantly. I believe now, it was Jen's(my friends wife) love for her friend that moved me. A man faced with a woman he cares about wanting him to do something harmless enough, but completely illogical, will get pushed around by said woman, and DO that very thing, like it's a good idea. At least that's the way I hope it is- for my ego's sake. A BAR is the last place I believe I could be useful. If that's sounds prejudice, it probably is. I have no experience going to clubs, out of a lack of desire. I do now- PLENTY. I have to say I did meet a few different women whom seemed very amiable. 2 women asked me for my phone number. I was shocked, but certainly flattered. After talking to someone they ask for your digits; how can you not be? Why is it that they went whispering (it seemed like that) to the female in our bunch(3 other of my men friends meet us there) and then had to be FORMALLY introduced to me? WE ARE IN A BAR. I was nice; but said I didn't feel comfortable yelling over music, as a way to speak with a person I never spoke with before. Very accepting, they asked for my digits. They called; I was saddened to find out that; aside from work and their family; going to clubs is what they do in their "spare" time. What does that mean? How does one have spare time? I am not asking for the answer. I understand the deal. I think that just sucks. One of them has joined a spiritual group I am also a member of. That ROCKS! I'm working on the other one. I can't help myself. If I meet anyone and they have a God shaped hole; I see it, and want to see it filled. I told you all this to relate the following. I would have blogged it sooner, had I thought about it; but out of circumstance; I haven't really thought about this stuff in a long time, until this recent experience with the "bar". Oh yeah, the woman Jen wanted me to meet is the one that joined the group.
I was listening to a recording of a psychologist with a friend, about 10 years ago. Dr. Gorsky had related a conversation he had with a patient, a woman. The woman seemed to be attracting men that, either or both, physically and emotionally abused her. He asked her in each "story" he got from her, where she met each man. Her answer was consistently, a bar; in the form of; "I met him at this club", or; "My friends and I were out on the town; we went to this club, I hadn't been to in some time; and I first saw him in the parking lot; our eyes met....." or, "I met him the FIRST time I went to this club", or, "He was working at this club....". Gorsky said that maybe she might try meeting men somewhere else besides a bar. She looked at him, as if HE were naive; and says mockingly; "Well where am I supposed to meet a man....AT CHURCH or something???
I don't know why people with no sight seem to have more sight than those that don't. Apparently this woman hadn't had a father to show her what real love looks like. He just wasn't there. Not abusive; but still abusive. This woman was attracted to Mr. Aloof. She sought men that aren't there; still looking for daddy, psychologically. The idea of meeting a man in church made absolutely no sense to her. This situation is much more common in our society( american)that it isn't. Ladies, men that aren't there, at best, AREN'T THERE. At the most, a man that isn't there for you, more importantly, isn't there for himself. You don't even get to know who your in a relationship with! FACT: if a human suppresses any portion of who they are, as a human being; it WILL come seeping out through the "cracks" is appropriate behavior. And usually, that means anger, depression, anger depression, anger, depression. Ever been involved with a man OR any person; and being with them exhaust you? That's the depression. How about, never knowing what mood they'll be in; even though you know their moods? That's the anger. I tell you women, especially you young ladies this, because I know, it is not possible for at least one of you that reads this, to not be in this "situation" (trust me, that's what it is) or have experienced it. I have had the honor of helping women with God-consciousness. A LOT of women. As much as men. Out of say 100; 5 were NOT involved in a co-dependent relationship. Although I do not like the term "co-dependent", because it suggest the "relationship" is the real problem in one's life; and that's just not true. Anyways co-dependency is SLAVERY BY SILENT MUTUAL AGREEMENT.
It is very possible to turn an unhealthy relationship into a healthy one; but rarely does that happen. Co-dependency can work very nicely. It isn't until one of a couple wants change that it becomes a problem, really. It is a trade off; but you have to have some "no talk" rules. In other words; you can't grow spiritually if you like what you get from it. Hey, abused kids usually go through long periods of living in fear and feeling like shit; and then a day or two of peace and security. It is usually say 2 weeks of crap, to 2 days of nice. Getting older and moving out doesn't matter, the abuse stops, but it doesn't end. 70 percent of people born in the U. S., are born into a dis-functional family. Normal is dis-functional. Dis-functional means relating to others in a way that you become more unsure and insecure about who you are; and how you feel is dependent on how much harmony is in your relationship with your partner. There is a constant preoccupation with the relationship. It is the most important thing in your life. If nothing changes; as one gets older; they understand what it means to go from intense painful involvement with another; to intense painful loneliness; and then back to intense painful involvement, and then back to..etc. People can go to their grave without ever experiencing real love with the object of their affections.
When you love someone; you know it beyond doubt. There is no insecurity and possessiveness. Love without honesty IS possessiveness. Love IS NOT blind. Infatuation is blind.
It is the inability or the ignorance that causes a lack of willingness to see ourselves as the source of the problem in our own lives. Selfishness is NOT thinking more OF our self; it IS thinking about ourselves more. It is a double edged sword most of us are born into. Trying to fill an infinite soul's desire with a finite mind/ body- promotes self obsession. Growing up and not recognizing dangerous liasions as just that; only exasperates the situation. Success in life; never mind spiritual life, is precarious at best. Until a person sees it is what they do that causes all their problems; they will ALWAYS believe they are a victim. The only victim any of us are; is a victim of illusion. To be able to drop the word "blame" from our speech and thought, concerning our childhood; is the first step out into the sunlight!