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By Dr. Michelle Cohen
One of the most important steps towards gaining better self-esteem is to try and understand why we feel the way we do about ourselves. In the previous article on self-esteem, I explained how we come into this world as innocent beings who may have been raised by parents or caregivers, who projected their own unresolved problems and pain onto us. Being abused, humiliated or constantly judged, can lead us to believe that we are worthless and undeserving of love and the good things in life. Repeated negative experiences with relationships, friendships or schoolmates can also color the way we feel about ourselves. In order to function in troublesome environments, many of us adopt certain "survival personality" styles, such as being "always happy," acting like "the victim," or being "the tough guy." "However, these coping mechanisms may not be the healthiest ways to act as we grow up, because we may continue to attract negative, critical or needy people into our adult lives. This can actually reinforce and perpetuate our low self-esteem.
We can begin the process of self-nurturing by practicing more compassion for ourselves, rather than blaming others for our self-esteem problems. Forgiving those who have hurt us in the past may seem difficult, but hanging on to anger and hateful feelings only makes us more depressed, anxious and physically ill. The healthy truth is, that we are the only ones who can change the way we feel about who we are. When we start treating ourselves with the same empathy, support and caring that we would give to friends who are having a hard time, we can begin to heal within. Being less self-critical also ties into recognizing that we are all humans who make mistakes. Those of us who never felt "perfect" enough for others when growing up, need to practice self-forgiveness even more, and understand that the mistakes we make are only life's lessons to help us learn to "change the things we can." It is a proven fact that, people who score high on tests of self-compassion, tend to be happier and more optimistic.
Another step to creating better self-esteem is to begin challenging the negative thoughts of our inner voice, and acknowledge our positive strengths. A helpful tool is to write down our automatic negative thoughts on one side of a piece of paper, then challenge our thoughts with more "logical" explanations on the other side. For instance, if you were to write down, "My boss frowns at me because he really doesn't like me," rebut that statement with, "I do my job pretty well, and maybe my boss is having stress in his personal life." Taking a step out of your own negative assumptions, and considering the truth in what a more objective person might say to you about a situation, can greatly help rebut your own inner critic.
It is also essential that we become mindful of our emotions, without suppressing them. Talking to supportive people in our lives is a healthy way to heal the wounds, especially if we were not allowed to express our feelings in the past. Therapists, counselors, ministers, rabbis or other caring individuals, whose role is to help and support others, can bring us the compassion and understanding we need. When we make the choice to begin the steps towards creating better self-esteem, the burdens of unworthiness will be lifted, and our lives will begin to blossom with happier times.
One of the most important steps towards gaining better self-esteem is to try and understand why we feel the way we do about ourselves. In the previous article on self-esteem, I explained how we come into this world as innocent beings who may have been raised by parents or caregivers, who projected their own unresolved problems and pain onto us. Being abused, humiliated or constantly judged, can lead us to believe that we are worthless and undeserving of love and the good things in life. Repeated negative experiences with relationships, friendships or schoolmates can also color the way we feel about ourselves. In order to function in troublesome environments, many of us adopt certain "survival personality" styles, such as being "always happy," acting like "the victim," or being "the tough guy." "However, these coping mechanisms may not be the healthiest ways to act as we grow up, because we may continue to attract negative, critical or needy people into our adult lives. This can actually reinforce and perpetuate our low self-esteem.
We can begin the process of self-nurturing by practicing more compassion for ourselves, rather than blaming others for our self-esteem problems. Forgiving those who have hurt us in the past may seem difficult, but hanging on to anger and hateful feelings only makes us more depressed, anxious and physically ill. The healthy truth is, that we are the only ones who can change the way we feel about who we are. When we start treating ourselves with the same empathy, support and caring that we would give to friends who are having a hard time, we can begin to heal within. Being less self-critical also ties into recognizing that we are all humans who make mistakes. Those of us who never felt "perfect" enough for others when growing up, need to practice self-forgiveness even more, and understand that the mistakes we make are only life's lessons to help us learn to "change the things we can." It is a proven fact that, people who score high on tests of self-compassion, tend to be happier and more optimistic.
Another step to creating better self-esteem is to begin challenging the negative thoughts of our inner voice, and acknowledge our positive strengths. A helpful tool is to write down our automatic negative thoughts on one side of a piece of paper, then challenge our thoughts with more "logical" explanations on the other side. For instance, if you were to write down, "My boss frowns at me because he really doesn't like me," rebut that statement with, "I do my job pretty well, and maybe my boss is having stress in his personal life." Taking a step out of your own negative assumptions, and considering the truth in what a more objective person might say to you about a situation, can greatly help rebut your own inner critic.
It is also essential that we become mindful of our emotions, without suppressing them. Talking to supportive people in our lives is a healthy way to heal the wounds, especially if we were not allowed to express our feelings in the past. Therapists, counselors, ministers, rabbis or other caring individuals, whose role is to help and support others, can bring us the compassion and understanding we need. When we make the choice to begin the steps towards creating better self-esteem, the burdens of unworthiness will be lifted, and our lives will begin to blossom with happier times.
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