Relationship Savvy—The Gift of Listening

We seldom think of listening to the ones we love as a gift. In essence, listening is the key to successful communication during good times and especially during challenging times. Often, we listen defensively, thinking about how we will posture our response or how we will explain, rationalize or justify the issues that are presented by our partner, especially during times of conflict, disagreement or differences of opinion. The secret to successful listening is to understand that we do not have to defend ourselves; that the messages that our partners are sending us are their own perspectives, thoughts and feelings and may or may not line up with our own perspective of ourselves or the issue at hand. Learning to respect another person’s perspective without feeling judged by them or thinking that they are telling us that we’ve done something “wrong” is a learned skill. It is natural to want to defend ourselves or our position, often that is what we witnessed in our family system when we were growing up. How many times did you see Mom and Dad listen with respect and understanding during times of conflict or disagreements? How many times did you see Mom or Dad reflect back to each other what they heard and invite more information from each other to drive a deeper understanding of the issue or problem at hand? How many times did you hear Mom or Dad ask “let me see if I understand what you are telling me” or “what can I do to help you?” or “what do you want me to do differently?” in response to a criticism or concern? Most of us did not get effective listening skills modeled consistently for us when we were children. As a result, in adulthood, we often “do what we experienced” in our family system often perpetuating ineffective listening from generation to generation.

To give the gift of listening to our partners we need to think about listening differently. Rather than thinking about listening as “being talked to” by our partners we need to think of listening as an “assist” to our partners. If we learn to listen with curiosity about what are partner is concerned about, rather than listening defensively, we will come to a deeper understanding of who are partner really is, what is bothering them and how we can help them feel better in the relationship. We want to encourage our partner to “tell more” about what concerns them. It is absolutely in our best interest to know what our partner is thinking, feeling and wanting. If we do not, we are at a disadvantage. Often we, as listeners, interrupt or begin to defend our position and we disrupt the sharing process. This often causes frustration and resentment for our partner because they do not get a chance to complete the sharing process. How can we resolve conflicts effectively if we do not thoroughly understand our partner’s perspective? We “assist” in our listening by keeping our attention focused on them and what they are saying and not on ourselves or what we are thinking or feeling. To do this effectively we need to keep a safe “emotional distance” to what we are hearing, knowing that this perspective is our partner’s perspective and understanding that their perspective is not right, wrong, good, or bad; it is just their perspective. This is the really hard part, not personalizing what our partner is saying. If we personalize their perspective we then become vulnerable to our own emotions, become defensive and often distance ourselves by “checking out” during the listening process. When we “check out” of the listening process we lose an opportunity to be more emotionally connected to our partner. We lose the opportunity to “assist”.

As listeners, it is helpful to recognize that it is often difficult for our partners to share their deep thoughts and feelings. We sometimes forget that being honest with our concerns, differences of opinion or “complaints” creates a feeling of vulnerability in the relationship. In the “assist” listening role, we support our partner by creating a safe emotional environment in which to share rather than creating a defensive or contentious atmosphere that is uncomfortable for our partner and results in shutting down the communication process. When we shut down the communication process by not listening effectively issues do not get resolved, feelings get hurt, frustrations build, we do not get our needs met, and ultimately resentment sets in. What most partners do not know is that the avoidance of conflict and the ensuing resentment that builds up destroys the relationship, not the conflict itself. If we can shift from being a defensive listener to an “assist” listener we can work through conflicts to resolution much more effectively, with more respect and with better outcomes for both partners.

When we listen, we want to remember “LOVE” and that we have chosen to be with this other human being through “good times and bad times”. How we support our partner as the listener during the “bad times” defines our character and defines the character of the relationship. Showing up as a loving listener and being willing to assist our partner when they are trying to communicate their perspective is a true gift of the spirit.

Sue Powers, Licensed Professional Counselor